I Am Suicidal, But I’m Not A Coward

I never really understood what it meant to be suicidal or have suicidal thoughts. Why and how would anyone try to end their life? It just didn’t add up. Life cannot be that bad.  Well, that’s one way to look at things. Frankly speaking, that is the way many of us have been conditioned to look at suicide in relation with mental health.

Maybe that was why I panicked when I started hearing voices in me telling me that perhaps dying was the best solution. Just before you try judging me, know this. Why would I panic if I was the one simply telling myself? It should be no news for me then.

You see, when you panic by the very thought that something in you is considering death as a way out, it can only mean that the thought did not truly originate from ‘you’. Are we still together?

So I panicked! Had I reached that point? That very unfathomable point? Were things that bad? Yes and no, things were not/extremely bad.

So I jumped off my bed that cool January afternoon and I began to cry hysterically. I kept pacing and pacing. Minutes passed, hours passed, but I kept pacing. These thoughts had somehow been lingering for about six months but the voices were getting louder. I remember telling a friend that, ‘I don’t want to kill myself, I just wish I had a car accident and died’. You can imagine his response. He was angry at me? “Why should you wish such on yourself?”

I didn’t know. I (still) don’t know.

Suicide is such a complex conversation that might require me truly and deeply having a one on one with anyone who chooses to be cynical about it. Thing is, I was once like that person. Insensitive, with a complete and utter lack of empathy. I just couldn’t understand why you should want to end your life, and yet I once did, and maybe I am still trying to save myself from suicidal thoughts.

World Suicide Prevention Day is such a personal day for anyone who has felt suicidal and anyone who has lost some to suicide. It’s a mix of liberation, acceptance and confusion all at once. So pardon me if I still stutter when speaking about suicide, I barely escaped it. Pardon me if it’s hard to listen to cynical comments from bystanders on social media pages.

I know too well what it means to fight against yourself every day. I too have seen and dwelt in the darkness. I am still suicidal. I can’t explain it so please don’t ask me to. I want to live so badly, but something keeps holding me back. So I fight through every day. Some days better than others, but I fight. Simply existing is hard for me, and I know that may be hard for you to comprehend.

So no, suicidal people are not cowards, they are fighters. They make it through everyday crying and fighting their way through. Those who we have lost to suicide are not cowards either, they fought the good fight, but we don’t win all battles.

If you are suicidal, I won’t bore with the whole “it gets better speech”, I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that you don’t have to be alone in this. Let me share in your confusion. Let the mystery daze us all. But let us do it together. Don’t walk this lonely road alone. I want in.

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